Excerpt from: Survivor by Instinct!

You don’t know what it’s like to say no I don’t desire to be with you anymore that I just want to be your friend now. You don’t & can’t know or have any idea what it’s like to secretly think that perhaps behind all that friendship talk lurks some hidden and buried desire to have you just once more, or to deny your in so much denial merely to survive from one moment to the very next without totally loosing it, getting myself a permanent residence in the rubber room. Then I take a deep inhale & I hold my breath for an instant to try to swallow the sand dune lump lodged in my Sahara throat. I try to muster up some spit & swallow. A sigh of relief out pours as I let out my breath I’ve been holding. A shiver over comes me & my whole body quivers rapidly. You just can’t comprehend the complexities of emotions cast upon my being.

In reality I can’t deny them, anymore than I wish to give in or give up or loose hope for a tomorrow. It’s not in me, but sometimes I do wish the voices could be turned off. I wish my mind to rest, to know silence for just a while. There are so many of them in there my love, I can’t know where to even begin. How does one fight an army of thousands with merely a man size heart, which at any instant can explode into hundreds of shattered pieces or go on to love another hundred years? How do I decipher between insane and sanity, teetering as I am between the two or so I feel. How ? How can I? How indeed my love? I guess I should get used to saying friend not my love. But why? Do I not love my friend? Surely tis love that makes thee my friend first. Otherwise you are no more than a stranger. Strange is it not? It’s at this very moment I feel the stranger you have become. The silence in my heart is deafening. I wish to rip out my heart right this instant for feeling such! Scream silently I shall.

Yet I don’t want to wish for the pain to go away because I may never be able to feel anything again if I got my wish. I’m afraid to ask for the voices to stop because it may mean I’m a drooling vegetable sitting in the rubber room, somewhere really cold too. I wouldn’t even have the good fortune if you can call it that to go goofy in a warm climate. Oh God I need some sleep, please mind take a break for a moment or two. Maybe if I poke my eyes out then I can sleep. No wait let me re think this here a minute. If I poke my eyes out I won’t be able to see but I’ll still be awake. Ok, so maybe that isn’t an idea so bright, HELLO! Wake up and smell the cat litter here. And I’m the smart one. Oh God I’m going to just burst. Day 2 she takes a Prozac. The crickets are chirping in my ear so maybe the other voices will shut up & I can take a snooze?

It took me giving up to realize nothing lasts forever. There is no hope for tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring to us anything at all it wants to. We have no say in the matter we merely pretend we do & if all goes well, hell I , we, anyone may…just may if their lucky have a good day. That’s all we can hope for is a good day, if we are fortunate enough to get another. It’s not a given we’ll exist another day. Yet if we do it’s a gift. A token from our father, his angels, in thanks for being his obedient children, & an extension for those who are not so they too can learn, or die trying to be taught. As with life’s fabulous beginning, so tis there a more grand finale ! Life begins again !!

Perhaps we are given more chances to prove we are worthy of his love & devotion. Perhaps we are sent to obscure his love by representing his beliefs again & again. Even still whatever the hell we do, or are, if we exist again isn’t the pressing issue at hand, what is, is living in this moment as if there is not a next one.